Nicotine

I quit smoking yesterday.

Smoking has been a crutch of mine since I was 16. I always knew I would smoke, and after my first one that knowledge was solidified.

And I’m good at it. I can blow smoke rings. I look like a pro. I come from a long line of smokers and believe it’s in my genes.

But, I also come from a long line of quitters, and I have always known exactly what I was doing to my body and my lungs, which gave me anxiety (because what doesn’t give me anxiety?).

I’ve quit before. I think my longest time smoke free was a year. I don’t remember missing it or why I started again. But sometimes I go in to a fugue-like state and my car winds up at the gas station and I find I just dropped $30 on cigarettes when I technically “don’t smoke”.

So I’m giving it another try. So far I haven’t had any nicotine withdrawals, just an uncontrollable urge to go outside every hour. I expect the next two days to be full of anger and jonesin’, and many, many, hours of talking myself out of walking up to the Speedway.

I can do this. I’ve done it as many times as I’ve started again.