Insomnia

I haven’t slept in two days and I’m currently not tired. Time is not real when you’re not sleeping. It could be today, it could be yesterday, it could be 5 am. How would I know?

All day I was crying. I guess a more accurate description is that all day water was coming out of my eyes. It seemed to come from nowhere and I didn’t know when it would start or end. I’m not depressed or sad, so that brings me to my conclusion:

MIXED STATE!!!!!

This is very bad timing for me. I start a new job on Monday and I can’t get in to see a doctor until Friday. I’m mostly stable, but when something big is about to happen I seem to lose it.

Before my brother’s wedding I had panic attacks and showed up to the rehearsal dinner with Ativan eyes. He got married the day after the royal wedding, and my insomnia was so bad even on Ativan that I stayed up until 6 am watching that stupid wedding I didn’t care about. Being cooped up in a hotel when you have insomnia is the first circle of hell.

Before my own wedding I just blocked everything out. I wasn’t really there, I was watching it all from above. Then I skipped dinner and spent the whole night smoking in my pretty white dress. I learned I hate weddings, even my own.

Other life events have had the same effect. Moving 5 times in 13 years definitely took its toll. When we moved overseas I had bizarre panic attacks where I would freeze completely and be positive someone was in the house. I’d get my knife and my heavy dictionary next to me and sit with my back to the wall until the sun came up. Because you can’t get murdered during the day, dummy.

This was all before I was diagnosed. I lived in denial for many, many years. When I finally decided to get help I went in for panic attacks because that seemed somehow less shameful than self harm and severe mood swings. I was living in England at the time and they gave me exactly five valium, which lasted about 2 days.

Now I find myself once again after a big move, with a new big job, and winter setting in, and my mood is changing.

I have only had one really big manic episode, generally for me it’s hypomania and severe depression. But this lack of sleep has me worried. I don’t have time to nurse myself back to health. I don’t think I’ll go in to full blown mania, I’m on too many mood stabilizers for that, but just about anything can send me in to a mixed state or depression when I feel this way.

I’ve read that mixed states are the most dangerous, when you are most likely to hurt yourself or worse. I can understand it. My legs are restless, I’m full of energy yet tied to the sofa, and, as Fight Club taught us, insomnia is just generally bad.

So I am seeing a new doctor Friday. I just need to sleep before then. I think I’ll try that now, even though I sit here wide awake, yet full of sleeping pills. Which seems appropriate for bipolar.

P.S. Keep anything that can burn me on a shelf I can’t reach.

EDIT: I got 4 hours of sleep before akathisia set in. I can’t stop moving my legs. Antipsychotics are fun!