I was wrong. Pretty much about everything I’ve written here. Maybe everything I’ve ever written. Or thought. Or said.
No mixed state for me. No reduction in Abilify. Instead, I got a full on manic episode and didn’t sleep for 4-5 days that I don’t remember very well.
I do know that in those 4 or 5 days I applied for countless jobs I don’t really want, signed up for every legitimate freelance writing service I could find, and started about 10 projects. I also planned Christmas for my family at 3 am one night. I hate Christmas.
It’s so disorienting not to remember things. It feels like getting blackout drunk and waking up with a shameover. I am humiliated and humbled.
Traditionally, I don’t get manic. I fall on the depressive side of the spectrum. I’ve heard people say that after a manic episode you have to have a depressive episode to balance things out. I hope that’s not true.
I finally was able to get an appointment yesterday with someone who I thought was a psychiatrist, but was actually a grad student who can’t prescribe meds. She told me to go to the emergency room and beg for Ambien and to sleep all weekend if possible. I can’t afford/didn’t want to go to the emergency room so I called my regular doctor. She refused sleeping pills but doubled my dose of Abilify.
So here I am, foggy, sitting in the wreckage of an episode. As soon as I start to feel like I’m better I get a setback. I distrust my brain and I resent it. We’re going through a rough patch, but we’ll get back together.
Time to pick up the pieces. Again.
Bipolar Bajillionaire 